Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
You Might Also Like
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!