“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
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To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight