Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
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[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
How to make infinite energy.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”