[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
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Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
respect
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me