I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
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Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
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My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Air conditioning – not a fan
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car