Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
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Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!