Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
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I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle