When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
forgive me baja for i have blast
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!