Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
This kid is going places
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.