You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
You Might Also Like
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I’m putting together a team
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!