Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
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there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
got so much cardio in today
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Y’all know who you are.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.