a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Cats are still liquid.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today