Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.