[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
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🤔😂😂
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss