The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
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Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
You can’t outrun your problems…
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”