You Might Also Like
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
A flock of dads is called a grill.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.