can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
They’re stuck in your pants?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that