Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
All right stop, coagulate and thicken