I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
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I was bored.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
me working on my assignments ^-^
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.