You Might Also Like
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
this FaceApp is creepy af
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age