Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
You Might Also Like
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs