You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
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constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
I’ve had relationships like this
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.