Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
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My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form