Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
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A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.