My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
You Might Also Like
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?