Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af