I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.