God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
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Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.