i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine