I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
You Might Also Like
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.