I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
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If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
it must be school picture day
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same