My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*