BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Meow?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.