I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.