This is my emotional support chloroform rag
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Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?