Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
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all that yoga finally paid off
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy