CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
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If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
ok like just. call me at this point
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?