Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Aw man, but that’s the best part