When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.