He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
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If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
(Musicians.)
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete