Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
That de-escalated quickly
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.