*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
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A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Dietest Coke
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)