Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
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What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied