I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
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movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Can’t. Being lazy.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE