You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
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You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
This makes total sense…
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be