I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
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Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
*pokes sex life with a stick
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Am I having a stroke?
They’re on their honeymoon
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.