What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
DOOO EEEET
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.