A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
What
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class