After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake