If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
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[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
i really liked this one
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.